I started watching the other Stephen Fry documentary called: The Secret Manic Depressive, and a woman one one of the researches in Cardiff had religious ideas of grandior.
Now apparently one could think that Marie the mother of Jesus 4 years after the year 0 had manic depression no medication and pregnancy, that amplifies the illness, that would explain a great deal. And living n times where one needed to hang on to beliefs and needing a powerful way of explaining the rules of religion, they thought she was telling the truth. And Jesus might have died because of his mother's illness. Has anyone thought this theory through I wander?
Tuesday, 17 April 2012
7:50 am-Is this depression?-10:27 am
This long section is a bit intimate and I don't know if it should be on my blog. What do you think?
I've been watching Coping with Depression a documentary about 3 different people that have different depression. It's scary to think; "Oh yeah! I do that" or "yeah, I get that too." because the next thing I think is: "Oh". Looking at this documentary, some depressions seem to start at puberty, followed by light or dark moments in life. Some have had or have anxiety problems, panic attacks.
Now this might be the medical student syndrome of: I have everything because I have some of the symptoms.
But I had a low self esteem as a child because of being bullied but I think that's due to outside factors, due to dyslexia, but also difficulty concentrating, that lead to pulling myself out of the real world and into one that was nicer or that could explain the pain that I felt.
I therefore went to a psychologist to help me come back from my withdrawal, that in the end I had to leave because I thought of her as a friend and couldn't tell her the truth any more.
I also had and sometimes still do it, a game that was thinking of having a way of getting to places faster by sliding on the electric lines but always found a problem with the polls that meant you would have to stop and how I could get around that, the other was lines on the road when my parents drove, I would put my foot down in every different shade of road and worry about putting my foot on a line. I now don't have to do it but when I was younger I felt a compulsion to doing it and was worried about the day I would have to drive. Others included hedge hight and pavement lines.
When I was in primary school, I would fight a lot with people there but also my sister, to very extreme points, I one day whipped a girl around the face with a skipping rope when I was angry.I also found that I had a fear of people that didn't help when I went to places that had dangerous people in them but in street, on my own even now I have that fear.
Then when I got to teens; hormonal imbalance probably didn't help, when from extracting myself from the norm by shaving my hair into a Mohawk, mirroring the Brighton image of the place I went on Holiday to and felt happy, where being different meant it was fine. Also after a while it was a defensive mechanism, that meant that I could be aggressive and angry and it would be good to hide behind. Much later it also meant that people would have to get through past my physical look to get to know me and it clear the idiots out of my life. But at the time, I wanted to rebel against my catholic school and the closed mentality of rural France. But then when I started to self harm and that found that there was a norm there with some friends, I could spot the people that did it for attention, those that did it for release and those that hadn't found a reason yet. I had very good highs that were shown through anger a lot of the time, or laughter and lows of crying and panic attacks that would drain my energy to the point of needing sleep and time away from people. I also stole things that I didn't really want, because I could and I could give them to people so that they would like me. I also liked to go out and eat nice things and drink nice cocktails and be a teen rebel. When I was 11, I also had a big fit of rage because a girl had pulled on my jumper, pulling on my necklace and braking it, I through a class room desk towards her.
Then I started to think about death, images of jumping out of windows and car crashes. In my lowest moments I would wonder if I did jump or have a terrible illness would anyone come and see me. I stopped suddenly at the age of 14 to self-harm because I'd realise that it was the right outlet for me, because all I was doing was showing my ex-boyfriend the pain that I felt on the inside. Due to my anger and violent out bursts I thought it would be good to have a punching ball or something that I ordered for Christmas in my 12th year, I still have it and sometimes use it. At the moment it's a bit far since it's in France and I'm in London, I miss it sometimes. I also wanted and craved a lot of attention from people, men, women. I am already am a very huggy person with me family, but required people to like me and like everyone that I knew I was very interested in the next stage from kissing and hugging. :)
I also starting going clubbing age 12 and I loved going, I went Fridays and Saturdays sometimes both and drank and smoked and getting defensive but not violently.I would protect my friends and family from other people. I do think sometimes that maybe I wanted someone to fight me, because I never thought about what would happen just I would rather it happen to me than anyone else.
When I left that school to go to "Lycée"- A level, I discovered politics and my profound hatred for politicians, people with too much money and the injustices in the system that made people unhappy. I also discovered caffeine. For anyone that has had 10 coffees in a day can see that this didn't help my anxiety problems.
So having 10 or more espressos a day, hating politicians to the point of being on strike during 3 years of education, having 2 domineering partners with an over dramatic emotional tendency, lack of sleep, alcohol, cigarettes, doesn't help anyone to deal with any underlined possible problems.
Panic attacks happened weekly, negative thinking, drowsy, suicide thoughts, my highs and release were now expressed through shouting at protests, I was drunk nearly every day for nearly 3 years which I think is an other kind of self-harm. And due to my grades going down the sense of failing got worst and it heighten my thoughts of suicide due to letting my family and people that loved me down, because I would not got to university if I failed. At this point I was writing in "diaries", drawing with coffee, drawing on people and looking at them now I wander if I have an underlining problem.
I was happy at times and then low, I would go home and sleep. I still wander if the distancing of myself from my family when I was in a relationship once was due to my partner or me.
During the roller-coaster ride of relationships with people that had problems with their family and needed a sense of belonging and wanted to be a new unit, I was faced with over emotional people. I felt like I had to look after them all the time and when I was betrayed by one of them, it was murderous, in a way that I never felt more suicidal than then and more angry. Due to not sleeping enough, I also felt worse, so my parents thought I should be in my school dorm so I could sleep more. I have a terrible habit of listening to people that helps them but due to the amount of impatient, I would carry it with me. I was put in a room in my third year with a girl that was confronting questions about her sexuality and she told me one day that she had taken pills and wanted to die. I had to report her because I could keep that inside. During all my life so far I have had to listen to people's problems, often I get the "I've never told anyone that before" sentence that hunts me, even now. I found people that also took medication for mental problems and some would go to the point of mixing them, drinking with them ect. and it was hard to think about pills as an answer to my emotional havoc. I finally managed to get my baccalaureate and got myself to Farnborough College in England.
I have never felt more proud of myself leaving Farnborough. I realised that I wanted more out of the BTEC National Diploma in Performing Arts than everyone else. I wanted all of it but at a much higher level. Half way through my 1st year I hated it. I wanted to get out of it because people were too young for me and I had to deal with closed minded people with only personal goals that were not in the professional lines as mine. I also had to deal with lots of attitude problems, people were all up and over what I could conceive as normal and if I said something that would normally be use for attitude like: "yeah yeah alright.", the reaction was emotionally unstabling. All I wanted was to feel like what I was doing was going to help me, the only thing that helped me was working in a pub and my end grade triple distinction to get me to a good uni. I found that my anger was worse, my temper much shorter, couldn't sleep and wouldn't wake up, stayed at home, even if my second home was cold, damp, unsafe, invaded by workman and unhome like as possible, it was better than dealing with College. I would faint, from hyperglycaemia and anxiety. I also got cystitis a billion times due to being allergic to the levels of chlorine in the tape water. So I once again thought about death and pain a lot more. In my last year, I got a 2ndlevel warning for scratching a boys arms when I grabbed this arm in rage. That was a changing point because my rage could not be excused any more. I drank, smoked more then ever and stayed at a friends house that I felt closer to because of mentally being closer to what I wanted from our course. I also felt unstable in my romantic life at the time too.
So not great adding to the fact that my 2nd landlady owned me about £700. I found now solace in my third house due to the fact that there were people there, warmth and a cat.
I cried every time I came home to my close family, because they understood me and where so nice and relaxed.
When I talked to people I knew in College then they all said things along the lines of: "yeah, I'm on anti-depressants". True I'd got use to this from my past experiences, but in such a small town and small group it was a bit unnerving. But I had such an aversion to the medication that I never went to my JP and therefore never got an answer to wither I was mentally ill.
I also would force myself out of my house and get drunk or just stay at home all day, didn't want to go out and felt anti-human, anti-people. Added all of this I also had a problem that everyone was right wing, anti green movement and had more money, that upset me.
When I got to London South Bank Uni to do Creative Writing, it was harder to control myself with alcohol and anti-social tendencies, because when I was with people I drank more and when I didn't talk to anyone for a day or 2 I would feel odd, and miserable.
Since I feel more in control of my anger, but I think that's because I don't see people very much any more. I don't really like going outside, but when I'm there I feel ok. I don't enjoy going clubbing something that was a big thrive in my teens. I no longer really go to clubs and I have found that I only have a hatred of humanity and depression about what humans have done over the years in a way. I feel a burden guild from being human. I still can't sleep properly, staying awake till the early hours of the morning and not being in the "right" cycle.
An added note, I only tried weed a few times but never felt any symptoms except when I fell asleep in a sitting room because it was cold everywhere else but just so happened to be the joint smoking area and woke up and drove and felt that my reactions were a bit slow. I have also take E once in my short life and found that if you take alcohol everything funny as soon as everyone else has gone to bed then my pupils dilate and I can't sleep for ages, and that it all.
My question is; is this depression and what do I do about it?
I've been watching Coping with Depression a documentary about 3 different people that have different depression. It's scary to think; "Oh yeah! I do that" or "yeah, I get that too." because the next thing I think is: "Oh". Looking at this documentary, some depressions seem to start at puberty, followed by light or dark moments in life. Some have had or have anxiety problems, panic attacks.
Now this might be the medical student syndrome of: I have everything because I have some of the symptoms.
But I had a low self esteem as a child because of being bullied but I think that's due to outside factors, due to dyslexia, but also difficulty concentrating, that lead to pulling myself out of the real world and into one that was nicer or that could explain the pain that I felt.
I therefore went to a psychologist to help me come back from my withdrawal, that in the end I had to leave because I thought of her as a friend and couldn't tell her the truth any more.
I also had and sometimes still do it, a game that was thinking of having a way of getting to places faster by sliding on the electric lines but always found a problem with the polls that meant you would have to stop and how I could get around that, the other was lines on the road when my parents drove, I would put my foot down in every different shade of road and worry about putting my foot on a line. I now don't have to do it but when I was younger I felt a compulsion to doing it and was worried about the day I would have to drive. Others included hedge hight and pavement lines.
When I was in primary school, I would fight a lot with people there but also my sister, to very extreme points, I one day whipped a girl around the face with a skipping rope when I was angry.I also found that I had a fear of people that didn't help when I went to places that had dangerous people in them but in street, on my own even now I have that fear.
Then when I got to teens; hormonal imbalance probably didn't help, when from extracting myself from the norm by shaving my hair into a Mohawk, mirroring the Brighton image of the place I went on Holiday to and felt happy, where being different meant it was fine. Also after a while it was a defensive mechanism, that meant that I could be aggressive and angry and it would be good to hide behind. Much later it also meant that people would have to get through past my physical look to get to know me and it clear the idiots out of my life. But at the time, I wanted to rebel against my catholic school and the closed mentality of rural France. But then when I started to self harm and that found that there was a norm there with some friends, I could spot the people that did it for attention, those that did it for release and those that hadn't found a reason yet. I had very good highs that were shown through anger a lot of the time, or laughter and lows of crying and panic attacks that would drain my energy to the point of needing sleep and time away from people. I also stole things that I didn't really want, because I could and I could give them to people so that they would like me. I also liked to go out and eat nice things and drink nice cocktails and be a teen rebel. When I was 11, I also had a big fit of rage because a girl had pulled on my jumper, pulling on my necklace and braking it, I through a class room desk towards her.
Then I started to think about death, images of jumping out of windows and car crashes. In my lowest moments I would wonder if I did jump or have a terrible illness would anyone come and see me. I stopped suddenly at the age of 14 to self-harm because I'd realise that it was the right outlet for me, because all I was doing was showing my ex-boyfriend the pain that I felt on the inside. Due to my anger and violent out bursts I thought it would be good to have a punching ball or something that I ordered for Christmas in my 12th year, I still have it and sometimes use it. At the moment it's a bit far since it's in France and I'm in London, I miss it sometimes. I also wanted and craved a lot of attention from people, men, women. I am already am a very huggy person with me family, but required people to like me and like everyone that I knew I was very interested in the next stage from kissing and hugging. :)
I also starting going clubbing age 12 and I loved going, I went Fridays and Saturdays sometimes both and drank and smoked and getting defensive but not violently.I would protect my friends and family from other people. I do think sometimes that maybe I wanted someone to fight me, because I never thought about what would happen just I would rather it happen to me than anyone else.
When I left that school to go to "Lycée"- A level, I discovered politics and my profound hatred for politicians, people with too much money and the injustices in the system that made people unhappy. I also discovered caffeine. For anyone that has had 10 coffees in a day can see that this didn't help my anxiety problems.
So having 10 or more espressos a day, hating politicians to the point of being on strike during 3 years of education, having 2 domineering partners with an over dramatic emotional tendency, lack of sleep, alcohol, cigarettes, doesn't help anyone to deal with any underlined possible problems.
Panic attacks happened weekly, negative thinking, drowsy, suicide thoughts, my highs and release were now expressed through shouting at protests, I was drunk nearly every day for nearly 3 years which I think is an other kind of self-harm. And due to my grades going down the sense of failing got worst and it heighten my thoughts of suicide due to letting my family and people that loved me down, because I would not got to university if I failed. At this point I was writing in "diaries", drawing with coffee, drawing on people and looking at them now I wander if I have an underlining problem.
I was happy at times and then low, I would go home and sleep. I still wander if the distancing of myself from my family when I was in a relationship once was due to my partner or me.
During the roller-coaster ride of relationships with people that had problems with their family and needed a sense of belonging and wanted to be a new unit, I was faced with over emotional people. I felt like I had to look after them all the time and when I was betrayed by one of them, it was murderous, in a way that I never felt more suicidal than then and more angry. Due to not sleeping enough, I also felt worse, so my parents thought I should be in my school dorm so I could sleep more. I have a terrible habit of listening to people that helps them but due to the amount of impatient, I would carry it with me. I was put in a room in my third year with a girl that was confronting questions about her sexuality and she told me one day that she had taken pills and wanted to die. I had to report her because I could keep that inside. During all my life so far I have had to listen to people's problems, often I get the "I've never told anyone that before" sentence that hunts me, even now. I found people that also took medication for mental problems and some would go to the point of mixing them, drinking with them ect. and it was hard to think about pills as an answer to my emotional havoc. I finally managed to get my baccalaureate and got myself to Farnborough College in England.
I have never felt more proud of myself leaving Farnborough. I realised that I wanted more out of the BTEC National Diploma in Performing Arts than everyone else. I wanted all of it but at a much higher level. Half way through my 1st year I hated it. I wanted to get out of it because people were too young for me and I had to deal with closed minded people with only personal goals that were not in the professional lines as mine. I also had to deal with lots of attitude problems, people were all up and over what I could conceive as normal and if I said something that would normally be use for attitude like: "yeah yeah alright.", the reaction was emotionally unstabling. All I wanted was to feel like what I was doing was going to help me, the only thing that helped me was working in a pub and my end grade triple distinction to get me to a good uni. I found that my anger was worse, my temper much shorter, couldn't sleep and wouldn't wake up, stayed at home, even if my second home was cold, damp, unsafe, invaded by workman and unhome like as possible, it was better than dealing with College. I would faint, from hyperglycaemia and anxiety. I also got cystitis a billion times due to being allergic to the levels of chlorine in the tape water. So I once again thought about death and pain a lot more. In my last year, I got a 2ndlevel warning for scratching a boys arms when I grabbed this arm in rage. That was a changing point because my rage could not be excused any more. I drank, smoked more then ever and stayed at a friends house that I felt closer to because of mentally being closer to what I wanted from our course. I also felt unstable in my romantic life at the time too.
So not great adding to the fact that my 2nd landlady owned me about £700. I found now solace in my third house due to the fact that there were people there, warmth and a cat.
I cried every time I came home to my close family, because they understood me and where so nice and relaxed.
When I talked to people I knew in College then they all said things along the lines of: "yeah, I'm on anti-depressants". True I'd got use to this from my past experiences, but in such a small town and small group it was a bit unnerving. But I had such an aversion to the medication that I never went to my JP and therefore never got an answer to wither I was mentally ill.
I also would force myself out of my house and get drunk or just stay at home all day, didn't want to go out and felt anti-human, anti-people. Added all of this I also had a problem that everyone was right wing, anti green movement and had more money, that upset me.
When I got to London South Bank Uni to do Creative Writing, it was harder to control myself with alcohol and anti-social tendencies, because when I was with people I drank more and when I didn't talk to anyone for a day or 2 I would feel odd, and miserable.
Since I feel more in control of my anger, but I think that's because I don't see people very much any more. I don't really like going outside, but when I'm there I feel ok. I don't enjoy going clubbing something that was a big thrive in my teens. I no longer really go to clubs and I have found that I only have a hatred of humanity and depression about what humans have done over the years in a way. I feel a burden guild from being human. I still can't sleep properly, staying awake till the early hours of the morning and not being in the "right" cycle.
An added note, I only tried weed a few times but never felt any symptoms except when I fell asleep in a sitting room because it was cold everywhere else but just so happened to be the joint smoking area and woke up and drove and felt that my reactions were a bit slow. I have also take E once in my short life and found that if you take alcohol everything funny as soon as everyone else has gone to bed then my pupils dilate and I can't sleep for ages, and that it all.
My question is; is this depression and what do I do about it?
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