La Petite Auberge- Restaurant Islington

Having spent most of my eating years in France, I am very particular about STEAK!

We needed food and we were going to treat ourselves to a good dinner. Arriving with no reservation was not a problem, a double for us was found in the middle of the restaurant. Looking around at Parisian 1020s photography on the wall next to old country farming tools displayed over the walls and hanging from the ceiling, giving a vintage bistro de Campagne feel.
Two of us had double gin and tonics, well served and tasty and Whisky & Coke unfortunately it came with ice although we had order without ice.  The diner was about to start so we didn't feel it was necessary to ask for a Coke without ice again, it wasn't life threatening.
First starter, a salmon and asparagus, with a drizzle of oil and parsley. The salmon tasted fresh and nice with aldente asparagus made all the difference with that touch of oil but the parsley was too overpowering for our taste but still a brilliant starter. We told the waiter about the parsley and he took it well and said he would talk about it with the chef.
With my rare steak and chips with garlic butter and a rabbit and potatoes in a creamy sauce, we decided to drink a Cabernet Sauvignon, vin du Pays.
The steak was tender and perfectly cooked, and the rabbit left the eater speechless. The wine was perfect for all our meat dishes.
A banana split and 2 chocolate mousses later we were happy and laughing. The chocolate mousse was light, not too dence with small chocolate chips inside with a small dab of cream and for the banana split the fruit was ripe, the cream was light and the chocolate sauce set it all of perfectly.

Since the night was young we had peeked that there was lemon sorbet ice cream with a raspberry sauce, we declined the sauce and asked for a shot of Vodka, thus making a Colonel Russe.
At the end of the meal when  told the waiter about how happy we were about the steaks the chef came out to thank us, which was very appreciated.
Even with a few glitches the meal was pleasant and the waiters agreeable and entertaining.
All in all a very satisfying evening. £118 for 3 people.

Following that thought or link

I started watching the other Stephen Fry documentary called: The Secret Manic Depressive, and a woman one one of the researches in Cardiff had religious ideas of grandior.
Now apparently one could think that Marie the mother of Jesus 4 years after the year 0 had manic depression no medication and pregnancy, that amplifies the illness, that would explain a great deal. And living n times where one needed to hang on to beliefs and needing a powerful way of explaining the rules of religion, they thought she was telling the truth. And Jesus might have died because of his mother's illness. Has anyone thought this theory through I wander?

7:50 am-Is this depression?-10:27 am

This long section is a bit intimate and I don't know if it should be on my blog. What do you think?

I've been watching Coping with Depression a documentary about 3 different people that have different depression. It's scary to think; "Oh yeah! I do that" or "yeah, I get that too." because the next thing I think is: "Oh". Looking at this documentary, some depressions seem to start at puberty, followed by light or dark moments in life. Some have had or have anxiety problems, panic attacks.
Now this might be the medical student syndrome of: I have everything because I have some of the symptoms. 
But I had a low self esteem as a child because of being bullied but I think that's due to outside factors, due to dyslexia, but also difficulty concentrating, that lead to pulling myself out of the real world and into one that was nicer or that could explain the pain that I felt.
I therefore went to a psychologist to help me come back from my withdrawal, that in the end I had to leave because I thought of her as a friend and couldn't tell her the truth any more.  
I also had and sometimes still do it, a game that was thinking of having a way of getting to places faster by sliding on the electric lines but always found a problem with the polls that meant you would have to stop and how I could get around that, the other was lines on the road when my parents drove, I would put my foot down in every different shade of road and worry about putting my foot on a line. I now don't have to do it but when I was younger I felt a compulsion to doing it and was worried about the day I would have to drive. Others included hedge hight and pavement lines.
When I was in primary school, I would fight a lot with people there but also my sister, to very extreme points, I one day whipped a girl around the face with a skipping rope when I was angry.I also found that I had a fear of people that didn't help when I went to places that had dangerous people in them but in street, on my own even now I have that fear.
Then when I got to teens; hormonal imbalance probably didn't help, when from extracting myself from the norm by shaving my hair into a Mohawk, mirroring the Brighton image of the place I went on Holiday to and felt happy, where being different meant it was fine. Also after a while it was a defensive mechanism, that meant that I could be aggressive and angry and it would be good to hide behind. Much later it also meant that people would have to get through past my physical look to get to know me and it clear the idiots out of my life. But at the time, I wanted to rebel against my catholic school and the closed mentality of rural France. But then when I started to self harm and that found that there was a norm there with some friends, I could spot the people that did it for attention, those that did it for release and those that hadn't found a reason yet. I had very good highs that were shown through anger a lot of the time, or laughter and lows of crying and panic attacks that would drain my energy to the point of needing sleep and time away from people. I also stole things that I didn't really want, because I could and I could give them to people so that they would like me. I also liked to go out and eat nice things and drink nice cocktails and be a teen rebel. When I was 11, I also had a big fit of rage because a girl had pulled on my jumper, pulling on my necklace and braking it, I through a class room desk towards her.
Then I started to think about death, images of jumping out of windows and car crashes. In my lowest moments I would wonder if I did jump or have a terrible illness would anyone come and see me. I stopped suddenly at the age of 14 to self-harm because I'd realise that it was the right outlet for me, because all I was doing was showing my ex-boyfriend the pain that I felt on the inside. Due to my anger and violent out bursts I thought it would be good to have a punching ball or something that I ordered for Christmas in my 12th year, I still have it and sometimes use it. At the moment it's a bit far since it's in France and I'm in London, I miss it sometimes. I also wanted and craved a lot of attention from people, men, women. I am already am a very huggy person with me family, but required people to like me and like everyone that I knew I was very interested in the next stage from kissing and hugging. :)
I also starting going clubbing age 12 and I loved going, I went Fridays and Saturdays sometimes both and drank and smoked and getting defensive but not violently.I would protect my friends and family from other people. I do think sometimes that maybe I wanted someone to fight me, because I never thought about what would happen just I would rather it happen to me than anyone else.
When I left that school to go to "Lycée"- A level, I discovered politics and my profound hatred for politicians, people with too much money and the injustices in the system that made people unhappy. I also discovered caffeine. For anyone that has had 10 coffees in a day can see that this didn't help my anxiety problems.

So having 10 or more espressos a day, hating politicians to the point of being on strike during 3 years of education, having 2 domineering partners with an over dramatic emotional tendency, lack of sleep, alcohol, cigarettes, doesn't help anyone to deal with any underlined possible problems.
Panic attacks happened weekly, negative thinking, drowsy, suicide thoughts, my highs and release were now expressed through shouting at protests, I was drunk nearly every day for nearly 3 years which I think is an other kind of self-harm. And due to my grades going down the sense of failing got worst and it heighten my thoughts of suicide due to letting my family and people that loved me down, because I would not got to university if I failed. At this point I was writing in "diaries", drawing with coffee, drawing on people and looking at them now I wander if I have an underlining problem.
I was happy at times and then low, I would go home and sleep. I still wander if the distancing of myself from my family when I was in a relationship once was due to my partner or me.
During the roller-coaster ride of relationships with people that had problems with their family and needed a sense of belonging and wanted to be a new unit, I was faced with over emotional people. I felt like I had to look after them all the time and when I was betrayed by one of them, it was murderous, in a way that I never felt more suicidal than then and more angry. Due to not sleeping enough, I also felt worse, so my parents thought I should be in my school dorm so I could sleep more. I have a terrible habit of listening to people that helps them but due to the amount of impatient, I would carry it with me. I was put in a room in my third year with a girl that was confronting questions about her sexuality and she told me one day that she had taken pills and wanted to die. I had to report her because I could keep that inside. During all my life so far I have had to listen to people's problems, often I get the "I've never told anyone that before" sentence that hunts me, even now. I found people that also took medication for mental problems and some would go to the point of mixing them, drinking with them ect. and it was hard to think about pills as an answer to my emotional havoc. I finally managed to get my baccalaureate and got myself to Farnborough College in England.

I have never felt more proud of myself leaving Farnborough. I realised that I wanted more out of the BTEC National Diploma in Performing Arts than everyone else. I wanted all of it but at a much higher level. Half way through my 1st year I hated it. I wanted to get out of it because people were too young for me and I had to deal with closed minded people with only personal goals that were not in the professional lines as mine. I also had to deal with lots of attitude problems, people were all up and over what I could conceive as normal and if I said something that would normally be use for attitude like: "yeah yeah alright.", the reaction was emotionally unstabling. All I wanted was to feel like what I was doing was going to help me, the only thing that helped me was working in a pub and my end grade triple distinction to get me to a good uni. I found that my anger was worse, my temper much shorter, couldn't sleep and wouldn't wake up, stayed at home, even if my second home was cold, damp, unsafe, invaded by workman and unhome like as possible, it was better than dealing with College. I would faint, from hyperglycaemia and anxiety. I also got cystitis a billion times due to being allergic to the levels of chlorine in the tape water. So I once again thought about death and pain a lot more. In my last year, I got a 2ndlevel warning for scratching a boys arms when I grabbed this arm in rage. That was a changing point because my rage could not be excused any more. I drank, smoked more then ever and stayed at a friends house that I felt closer to because of mentally being closer to what I wanted from our course. I also felt unstable in my romantic life at the time too.
So not great adding to the fact that my 2nd landlady owned me about £700. I found now solace in my third house due to the fact that there were people there, warmth and a cat.
I cried every time I came home to my close family, because they understood me and where so nice and relaxed.
When I talked to people I knew in College then they all said things along the lines of: "yeah, I'm on anti-depressants". True I'd got use to this from my past experiences, but in such a small town and small group it was a bit unnerving. But I had such an aversion to the medication that I never went to my JP and therefore never got an answer to wither I was mentally ill.
I also would force myself out of my house and get drunk or just stay at home all day, didn't want to go out and felt anti-human, anti-people. Added all of this I also had a problem that everyone was right wing, anti green movement and had more money, that upset me.
When I got to London South Bank Uni to do Creative Writing, it was harder to control myself with alcohol and  anti-social tendencies, because when I was with people I drank more and when I didn't talk to anyone for a day or 2 I would feel odd, and miserable.
Since I feel more in control of my anger, but I think that's because I don't see people very much any more. I don't really like going outside, but when I'm there I feel ok. I don't enjoy going clubbing something that was a big thrive in my teens. I no longer really go to clubs and I have found that I only have a hatred of humanity and depression about what humans have done over the years in a way. I feel a burden guild from being human. I still can't sleep properly, staying awake till the early hours of the morning and not being in the "right" cycle.
An added note, I only tried weed a few times but never felt any symptoms except when I fell asleep in a sitting room because it was cold everywhere else but just so happened to be the joint smoking area and woke up and drove and felt that my reactions were a bit slow. I have also take E once in my short life and found that if you take alcohol everything funny as soon as everyone else has gone to bed then my pupils dilate and I can't sleep for ages, and that it all.
My question is; is this depression and what do I do about it?

Black Bogey of London 2010_2011

The London Black Bogey Question.

I have recently moved to London, I use to live in the country. Yes I know, to most people it’s a strange concept but yes, I have seen a field before. The big rectangular thingies that people called farmers grow things in, like wheat and sheep, cows and stuff. The even stranger thing is that my version of the country is even stranger to understand for English people, because I lived in a bigger country than England, so there were lots of these rectangular fields.

 Anyway I just moved and I was feeling quite happy, you know, with the people rushing everywhere and living in Halls. I also entered University so all great, good and happy. I managed to get my boyfriend up here. We are very open and strange people who speak about any and everything and find a great deal of things funny.

We’d been all sweet and nice to each other and all lovey-dovey , when suddenly he looked at me, broke into a big smile and said: “You’ve got a bogey! I’m really sorry, it’s very distracting.”

I love my boyfriend just for those small truthful moments when I realize we are all human.

Anyway, so we both grabbed a tissue and blew our noses, just to make sure that I wouldn’t have to tell him in the next couple of minutes.

Suddenly he cried out. I turned around to him and ask what’s happened.

He just looked at me and said: “I’d forgotten about the London Black Bogeys!”

Suddenly I thought, how strange that I know what he’s talking about and that they actually have a name.

Is it just my boyfriend and I or is a well known thing?

2008

 

Un instant juste un instant

Le genre d’instant que l’on veut garder à jamais

Où même existé toute une vie

Mais la vie à fait que cette vie d’instant et aussi courte

Que celle de l’instant où la grenouille c’est fait écrasé

J’ai vécu un moment de pure bonheur

Je me suis trouvé un moment

Allongé et j’ai dégusté cette saveur

La saveur d’elle à mes côtés

2008

 

Tu n’es plus là

Il y a un manqué de présence sous mes dras

J’entends la pluie

Mais je n’entends plus nos rires

J’entends bien ce désir

Mais répondu par un soupir

J’entends ta voix

Mais je ne sens plus tes bras

Je voudrais pouvoir remonter le temps

À nos moments

Et m’arrêter de dire

Ce n’était que du désir

Je veux pouvoir

Arrêter le temps

An moment où nous étions

Ensemble dans ce lit

Souvent

Ce soir-là

Nous étions heureux

Protest poem 2008

 

J'ai une rage dans l'estomac

Mon Coeur serrait

Je crie

Mais ma gorge se bloque

Ici ma voix résonne

Mais dans un champ de têtes sans voix

Où justement il faudrait que mon âme résonne de leurs cris

L'on veut faire comprendre

Que ce que l'on combat

C'est juste le début

Et si le président n'entend pas nos cris et nos plaintes

Alors il a délaissé sa place

Et il est devenu Dictateur

Où est passée la République

Et la Liberté

Ici, on trouve quelques membres de solidarité

Mais comme les larmes qui roulent le long de mes joues

La fatigue nous absorbe

J'ai plus de voix

Mais je continu de crier

Je fais ça pour ceux qui viennent après moi

Je ne donne pas cher de leur future

Si je ne fais rien

Si on commence à penser avec le portefeuille

Alors l'avenir est un trou noir.

Ce n'est pas une question ou un problème techniques

Qu'est l'éducation

Alors utilise la raison

Mais aussi vos Sentiments

Sinon le future et sombre

Pour ceux qui ne rentrent pas dans le cadre.

charlotte Brace

2005

 

Pensées d’une autiste

-       Deux jeunes hommes

-       Une jeune femme

-       Problème d age

-       Problème d’amis

-       Amour du théâtre

-       Cours de théâtre le samedi après-midi

-       Rapprochement cours de théâtre pour les garçons quand elle est prise pour une démonstration : quand on met le costume on devient le personnage

-       Rapprochement cours de théâtre quand elle doit montrer sa passion de la musique, le théâtre et la danse

-       Jeune fille bi

-       Année  2005

-       Point de vue de la fille

Bonjour, je m’appelle charlotte. Je sors du collège, un petit collège sans  grande importance, l’année qui arrive serra ma première année sans mes anciens amis que j’ai depuis quatre ans. Ce n’était pas la plus grande perte que j’ai connue, vu que mes soi-disant amis n’étaient pas les genres d’amis que je voulais dans cette nouvelle vie dont j’allais découvrir. Le lycée, quand je dis mon soi-disant ami bien sûr je suis restée en contact avec ceux que j’estimais le plus. Ceux qui voulaient de mes nouvelles le faisait par principe pour ne pas avoir de mauvaises rumeurs derrière leur dos ceux qui est naturel quand on constitue sa vie sur le regard des autres jusqu’aux points de perdre le soit même. Dans mes quatre ans que j’ai reçus à Saint Vincent ne fut pas les plus resplendissantes que j’ai connu. Ma quatrième et dernière année là-bas j’ai découvert quelque chose qui à la part avant m’étais complètement privée : la poésie fut une aventure, non l’aventure vers un endroit qui m’étais connu a moi seul, dans mon petit coin ou personnes avaient le droit se pénétra. Puis nous avons découvert le théâtre, quelque chose qui me donna le plus de compréhension de mon corps. Pendant mes moments de gloire de découverte, je fus aussi opprimer par le monde qui m’entourait. Pour mieux m’expliquer il faut savoir que j’aime les modes un peu spécifiques depuis une bonne partie de ma vie. Pendant un long moment, je fus attirer par la mode de mon sang : le punk.

Ne croyez pas que je suis une fille qui pendant de nombreuses années fut réprimée par les autres ceux fut une façon d’exprimer mon dégoût de leur vulgarité sur les penser des autres. Je ne pouvais pas montrer à mes camarades ce que je fus puisque c’est eux qui m’opprimer.

Pendant ma primaire, je suis devenu autiste puisque la vie que je vivais à cette période ne fut pas joyeuse et heureuse donc je me suis trouvé un autre monde où mettre mes pensés même si  j’avais pas d enfance horrible côté famille, ma primaire l'était douloureuse et je fus malheureuse tout le temps. En quelque sorte j’ai toujours ce monde, mais je ne m’échappe plus dedans, j’assaille de le tirer dans ce monde où je dois vivre avec les autres.

Pour mon année de lycée, ma première année de lycée, j’ai voulu prendre théâtre comme option, donc le seul endroit où je pouvais aller pour sa fut le lycée dessaignes, j’avais peur de l’année qui venais j’aller marcher les yeux fermer, une nouvelle expérience, un peu extrême.

Dés mon arrivais je suis devenu un peu singlets, je parler à tout le monde autour de moi même pas besoin de les voire à longueur de journée non je voulais tous les connaître, même si cela voulait dire les personnes que j’évitais d’habitude. Je me foutais des regards constants sur moi, j’étais folle une extase nouvelle que je gardais comme quand on goûte a un fruit nouveau.

Ce fruit qui m’était donné a l’occasion des  amis mon permis de parler tout le temps. Pendant une semaine, je fus l’invasion, « la folle qui parlait à tout le monde ». Ceux qui mon permis aussi de parler avec des personnes avec qui je pensé jamais arriver à parler même des syllabes n’aurait pas pu être exprimé. Mais non je fus libre….

Au mois de Décembre après noël, mes rêves autistiques me sont revenu.

Je rêvais que les deux homme que je trouvais mignons et moi nous apprenons le théâtre ensemble mutuellement  comme si mon professeur de théâtre avait découvert ma passion pour centaine chose comme l’intégration d’un personnage et ma passion de la danse même si je ne sais pas danser.

Chaque moment de ma vie, dans mon monde imaginaire, était une scène de théâtre pour mon regard et pas celui des autres, je ne sais pas si même un jour, je crée ma propre pièce de théâtre quand il y a personnes et qu’une émotion particulière m’envahit.

Chaque moment dans ce monde n’est pas toujours heureux au contraire  il peut être le cas inverse une horrible vie, ou une partie de ma vie a ma sauce. Pendant toutes ces années, je me suis dit c’est normal mais pourtant pourquoi on me dit « charlotte tu te fais trop de films ».

L’humiliation dans laquelle je vivais pendant ma primaire m'a fait une femme à nombreuse pensés, mais a un visage….

2008

Close stroke
 

I feel like something is missing

There’s an empty space in my bed

There’s a gap beside me

Those arms that were a cover

Have left a cold stroke in their place.

A moment of pain has taken up the lover I receaved

I miss those feelings

That wonderful month

When I was yours

At the time

I did not see

The importance that I had given you

I think it was love that I felt for you

I probably still do

Not being abel to hold you

Even when you are there

You let me hold you for a week or two

Then let the coldness take the place

You are so far away

Floriane-2006

Poème dans le temps du CPE

L’évéche trop bon

pour tous qui sont

assis alcoolo que moi

une bouteille a chaque fois

chaque moment et plus qu’un souvenir

à ne plus dormir

je suis sûr qu’elle sera d’accord

Qu‘il n’y a rien de mieux que ce corps à corps avec la bouteille de bière, de vin

de tout jusqu’à la fin

je t’adore Floriane

notre rencontre se célèbre sou la douche d’extase qu’est l’alcool

March 2006-Love

Je présume, que quand on dit : Amour… On a des problèmes avec la vie après !!

Mais moi on m'a dit, il y n’a pas si longtemps qu’il y a plusieurs degrés à l’amour, je le savais mais je n’y pense pas vraiment. Après tout je ne suis plus vierge depuis peu donc la vue sur la vie s’est étendue jusqu’au monde fabuleux du sex., je sais ce n’est pas bien de dire sa, mais c’est vrai, il faut y penser un jour ou l’autre…

Mais bon voilà, les différents degrés de l’amour, oui bon, on va le dire comme Léo me la dit ce fameux soir où l’on allait voire « Une Viré » et que l’on était dans les Halles et que l’on est parti sur la bisexualité et tout sa et tout sa et il m’a dit :

« Tu sais dans l’amour, il y a l’amour : l’attirance sexuels,

il y a l’amour avec un petit « a » : le kiff, un moment d’attraction,

il y a l’amour avec un grand « a » : le moment béa ou l’on est bouleversé et que vous pensez que le monde c’est cette personne. »

Bien sûr quand on entend sa on se dit :  « bah !wé j’c », et l’on parle des différentes personnes avec qui l'on a eu tel genre d’amour et avec qui c’était juste du sex., enfin, bref c’est les moments qui vous dises : « sa fo ke j’l’écrive !! »(voilà je l’écris c’est bon !lol !)

Mais bon voilà le problème c’est que faut savoir avec qui l’on est amoureux et avec qui c’est autre chose…

Et là, moi je sais quand même de quoi je parle, mais malheureusement trop tard mais bon voilà c’est la vie (c’est ma phrase Oliv !lol !), les femmes comme les hommes trouvent l’amour mais souvent on ne s’est pas comment y réagir.(Exemple : moi sa me fais peur, le pire c’est les romantiques, ils me foutent les chetons).

Alors section à pas, être amoureux avec un grand « a » avec quelqu’un qui est trop comme vous et qui peut facilement vous manipuler…(Mêmes les femmes avec un caractère en béton elle peuvent se faire manipulées).

Pourquoi ?

Par ce que pour moi c’était un homme enfin un jeune garçon a l’âge de stupidité pas possible treize ans, le moment franchement horrible pour moi, je vous ne dis pas… Mais bon, moi je suis tombé amoureuse (avec un grand « a ») d’un garçon en cinquième le moment qui tue c’est le moment ou le noir et les gothiques sont les personnes les plus cool de la terre et donc voilà, sa arrive, on devient un peu gothique et que les adultes voient de loin l’affiche : «  je cherche mon style et je découvre ma personnalité »…

Et même si on a pas l’affiche gothique sa peu être autre chose mais bon le truc c’est que l’on change pour se trouver et l’on est pas sûr de ce que l’on va devenir et tout sa mais bon on change et l’on n’est pas stable.

Moi j’étais dans ma période gothique et je découvrais que les garçons sont des autres spécimens de la race humaine et que la puberté et un moment de découverte.

Mick, c’était un gas de l’autre classe et qui avait des beaux yeux.

Le premier doit être un garçon, le deuxième doit avoir quelque chose de un peu mieux….

(Merci Maman pour cette phrase qui me reste en mémoire et je voudrais franchement que sa ne soit pas vrai)( même si c’est vrai)

Mais bon voilà espérons qu’à la fin il serra mieux que juste le prochain.

Aujourd’hui, le 20 Mars 2006, je suis chez moi lorsque je devrais être au blocus devant mon lycée, mais à cause de trois jours de manifestation, pas beaucoup de sommeil et pas assez d’eau et même peu être une insolation je suis tombé malade, donc biensur quand on est chez soit et que l’on veut être autre part avec nos amis, regarder les beaux êtres. Et bien, l’on pense aux gens et surtout les beaux êtres qui marchent partout dans la ville et qui se battent pour la liberté, et surtout on pense à toutes les chances foirées, les chances de s’approcher de un ou une tel(le) disparu par l’absence. Mais bon y a pire(non).

What it is to be B, Play

What it is to be B, by Charlotte Brace.

Recorded repeated voices, all speaking at alternative times then become so numerous it becomes a buzz of sound.
Voices: Greedy. Undecided. Bi. Bisexual. Gang-banger. Threesome. Maybe Pansexual. Closet case.
It stops a woman, Lucy, is standing alone in a spot light. She looks curiously up at the light above her. Man A walks up to her, he is wearing a suit.
Man A: Hi, I’m straight, who are you? Lucy: Hi, I’m Lucy. Man A: You don’t want to say fine!
The man pushes her again. Woman A walks up to her, she is wearing a suit.
Woman A: Hey there. How are you? I’m lesbian. What your name? Lucy: My name is Lucy, I am B... Woman A: Lucy is that your name... I have never heard of that, is it a euphemism for your group? Lucy: No, that’s my name. Woman A: Oh. I see.
Woman A is confused and walks away. Lights go out.
Lucy: Why should I define myself through my sexuality? Surely it doesn’t matter... My thoughts and future is what counts surely.
Flashing lights come on. Lucy is dancing, Woman B dances towards her. She half shouts like in a night club.
Woman B: Hey, How are you? Lucy; I’m ok. And you?
Woman B gets up to Lucy really close and starts kissing her on the cheek. Lucy pulls away.
Woman B: Well why are you in a gay club if you’re not gay!
Woman B looks angry and stomps off. Lucy is left alone, uncomfortable. The lights stop, black out.
1
Lucy: When people found out I was Bi at school, girls would not change in the same changing rooms in PE. In case I was having a look. I always wanted to say: “Look you’re not that good looking so get over yourself! And you are obviously stupid!” Now People don’t seem to understand I don’t want to go clubbing because clubs have just become a hunting ground. I just wanted to dance and have fun with my friends. But they all disappear in the night with other people. I like gay clubs because people are friendly and the music is good.
Light come one dimly, Woman B comes back.
Lucy: Leave me alone!
Lights go out. Lucy is sat with 5 friends, all talking and laughing. Woman C arrives and talks to one of the friends as if they hadn’t seen each other in a while.
Woman C: Oh my god! I can’t believe you are here. It’s been ages. The friend: This is crazy guys this is my friends C. C these are friends of mine. Please sit down.
Woman C sit next to Lucy, the talking continues.
Woman C: So How did you meet? Lucy: We met in a bar in Soho, she nearly spilt all her drink on me and became friends. Woman C: So are you... hum... Well gay? Lucy: No I’m Bi. Woman C : Oh right. I always wandered if the rumors where true about Bisexuals. Is it true that you have the best threesome?
The friend group goes silent. The lights go out, a spot light on Lucy and a microphone is put to her lips. There is some feedback and her voice seems loud.
Lucy: I don’t know I can only speech for myself. I haven’t had a threesome; I am not really interested in that sort...
The friend start up conversation again and the microphone is taken away and her voice is drown out.
Lucy: Thing.
Lucy walks to the front of the stage, leaving her friends to talk.
I am Bisexual, I don’t hide it and I am not ashamed. I just don’t feel that it is the most important thing about me. If who you cuddle under the sheets defines you in everyway, then the world has become a sad place for us all. I am in foremost Lucy, I have an education, a family and thoughts. Ideas for the future, ideas about politics, ideas about sports. But being bi only means if I really like someone, their sex doesn’t stop me from
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starting a relationship. It shouldn’t mean I am less trustworthy or more. That should depend on who I am and my morals. People get very uptight about sexuality now. Most of us just want to continue living find someone, or even someones. Want a job, a life, friends and acceptance. But by pushing things down people throats, you are making it harder for everyone else. Acceptance and equal standing should just be a factor of life. I know I am pushing it down your throats now, but I will accept you criticism later. Thank you very much and good night.
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Ever lasting questions

Easy does it, the word ringing in my ears, my eyes on the Tank Girl tome 2, my brain roaming through wandering if all I can see is me or does it change the moment everyone changes to something more serious. I am not too sure. Ready what lit up the minds of the past, does that make me more knowledgeable of the future or the past. I am sober in every respect and awake and I have eaten, and I feel all melo and strange. Everything feels a lot heavier than usual. I don’t know if anything I do helps me get through the next stage. The next what do I want to do with my life. In my low state I feel like I should be doing something that will make me laugh and feel great. Or does the work that I issue make me “bad” and the rest of my life make me happier. I want to write things that will shake the lazy mentally conservative people of this planet, show them that the future is what is important and that the children are important not the parent. The parent forms the future and once born the offspring becomes the one thing that should be bettered. One thing is clear I just don’t understand where all this is going and how I am to make the future better. The one thing I seem to be good at is dreams, being fat, singing, maybe writing and sometimes drawing. I don’t take drugs, I have stopped smoking, my life seems to have been more fun in the past. Does that mean the past is the most important and therefore the parent is the more important and the child secondary?

Or in a mix and match are both important.

I do think that people that don’t have human children will exchange their love to something or a “someone” enough to try and make better and form.

I do think I need to get out because I feel all strange and the hole writing like this is making me feel very spaced out.

I lean back in my squeaky chair and stretch, I return to the music and the writing bobbing. I look around my room and see the past flashing past me. I see the history of my life and the impact over people on my room. My space that has house many nightmares and dreams of beauty and ugliness, finds me crushed on a small broken chair typing on a computer. Finding it hard to feel anything. The MTV tapes that recorded on VHS, the music I like and the videos clips I found interesting, the book I won, all the dictionaries, the bottles of alcohol that I or others have emptied marking a time in my life. From lovers to friends to my sexual bursts, I see all in here, but no other being will see them the way I pensive them now. The wondering of my sanity and other and the need or want to be great at something that I would no longer need to search.

The search, on going and never ending for self-respect of ones work. What is issued through our-selves. The slow crawl up to the world that sometimes fall back in the ripples of time and only mark a pour select few.

I found that everyone that missed the aim become cynical and harsh of their environment. They feel that it is hard, but they seem to be hiding behind the one thing that has happened in their lives: by being alive and having tried, by creating they have won. They have felt that they were giving the world what it needs and that is a blessing.

Is there anyway the world will move forward without it stopping to notice the pour souls left by the money obsessed unfortunates.

The sharks of our lives the money and the creation, the “what makes money” and the what I feel should be made” combat every day. Every crappy song that many feel should never have been made and the great that have never even stepped up and felt the fruit of the their labor. And all the secret agents of the world that seem to steel the beauty of the less fortunate.

Last summer

Stuck in a room without any internet is the worst thing in world when you have nothing else to do except go downstairs.

I right now am stuck here because downstairs there is 2 nice lovely people who are going out and are in the first stages of being “out” in their relationship. Everyone knows so we can just be together and smooch, all over the sitting room coach. I, on the other hand, have a boyfriend in ages-away Devon and that sucks big willies! So since there is no room on the said coach for me I thought of Internet in my room. My other friend is sorting her life in the bottom part of the house. So alone without Internet and no idea where phone is room, is finding having just moved in hard. I also think that Internet has come up with the worst thing ever: when you open it, it shows you the google search page so you think it’s connected but it isn’t! And I wanted to check my facebook.

I miss my boyfriend and I also want to put a stupid update on my facebook but I can’t! I come up with a sex and the city question.

Is my generation just bored?

Probably, between the drinking, sleeping, sex, eating (sometimes) and work what else is there to do. Go for a walk, improve our minds with substantial reading (Pride and Prejudice)? I am not too sure all of us like that, and since our generation doesn’t do anything they don’t want than facebook, Internet and games have been the new keep them quite and also socializing method.

I think that a lot of things have been forgotten: 1) going out should sometimes be an event, 2) going for a walk shouldn’t be an event but normal and drinking is socializing so put the sodden phone down!

Much to my surprise most people look at their phones while talking to someone, eating, in the pub, clubbing, ect… I lived in the middle of nowhere and coming to London, this shocked the daylight out of me that such a thing could happen. Clubbing is fun and you should have said fun with friends some of us go there to find a night partner, but why check your phone? Where I come from there was barely any signal clubbing, so there was no point only unhappy and anti-social people look at their phone.

It seems to be what needs to be done

In the last couple of days it seems that as a creative writing student you MUST have a blog!

So I thought, in a sheep sort of way, that I would follow this example, just not to call it trend. (trend=fashion=unfashionable at some point)

Not too sure what to write on it, I guess it's like writing block, you just write it off, or like a car. 

In this blog I will be showing the multiple sides to what I do and write. Life isn't simple, but if you do a bit of everything, then you're ok, I guess.

Well all smiles and happiness.

This is my first post.